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  1. #1
    Tham gia ngày
    Jan 2007
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    Mặc định Family or friends are the most important influence on young adults?

    Topic:
    Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use example to support your opinion.

    When I was a child, my parents were the most important influence on my life. They chose schools, clothes for me and decided what university I should attend. After graduation, however, I can live independently. Now, my friends influence most on my life. They give me advice about jobs, they recommend me new suits and they give me a hand when I need.

    Friends can give us some valuable advices about which jobs or company we should apply. When I seek for jobs on the internet, I have only a little of information of the company I want to apply. However, one of my friends might tell me many things about that company because they are working for it or their friends are may working for it. I can get a lot of useful information from my friends before making my own decision.

    When I lived with my parents, my mother chose clothes for me. But, my friends have a great impact on what I wear now. I often buy T-shirt or suits at the shop which my friends recommend to me. I also change my clothes to keep up with them. I do not earn too much money; however, I think that is needed to be confident and well-dressed at work.

    A good friend is one we can count on when we are in troubles. A young adult who does not live near their family may not get family's help when he needs. In this case, a good friend is more helpful than his family. He can get some advice or even borrow money from his friends. Besides, friends can also support each other in work by presenting new customers or new products.

    With another young adult, maybe his family is the most important influence on his life. In my case, however, friends are ones I can count on when I do not live with my family. I can receive valuable advice from them, wear what they recommend and get their help when I need.

    Correct and give me some advice. Thanks.


  2. #2
    Tham gia ngày
    Jan 2007
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    Mặc định

    Up, lâu quá rồi mà không có comments ^o^

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  3. #3
    Tham gia ngày
    May 2011
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    Mặc định

    Trích Nguyên văn bởi TuanKiet Xem bài viết
    Topic:
    Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. Which view do you agree with? Use example to support your opinion.

    When I was a child, my parents were the most important influence on my life. They chose schools, clothes for me and decided what university I should attend. After graduation, however, I can live independently. Now, my friends influence most on my life. They give me advice about jobs, they recommend me new suits and they give me a hand when I need.

    Friends can give us some valuable advices (advice is non-count noun) about which jobs or company we should apply. When I seek for (seek or look for) jobs on the internet, I have only a little of information of the company I want to apply. However, one of my friends might tell me many things about that company because they are working for it or their friends are may working for it. I can get a lot of useful information from my friends before making my own decision.

    When I lived with my parents, my mother chose clothes for me. But, my friends have a great impact on what I wear now. I often buy T-shirt or suits at the shop which my friends recommend to me. I also change my clothes fashion style to keep up with them. I do not earn too much money; however, I think that is needed necessary to be confident and well-dressed at work.

    A good friend is one we can count on when we are in troubles. A young adult who does not live near their family may not get family's help when he needs. In this case, a good friend is more helpful than his family. He can get some advice or even borrow money from his friends. Besides, friends can also support each other in work by presenting new customers or new products.

    With another young adult, maybe his family is the most important influence on his life. In my case, however, friends are ones I can count on when I do not live with my family. I can receive valuable advice from them, wear what they recommend and get their help when I need.

    Correct and give me some advice. Thanks.


    Dear TuanKiet,

    On behalf of examiners, your piece of writing is not convincing enough owing to the fact that you put your own case in most parts of the work. In other words, it's essential that you focus on the given topic with the wider and more general vision - the most important factor (family or friends) influences the majority of young adults nowadays.

    Besides, words used are another weakness of yours. Alternatives can help your essay less boring, I believe so.

    Sincerely,

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  4. Thành viên sau cám ơn binbinag v́ bài viết hữu ích

    TuanKiet (29-08-2011)

  5. #4
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    Jan 2007
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    Mặc định

    Thank you very much for your advice.
    Sửa lần cuối bởi TuanKiet : 08-09-2011 lúc 08:49 PM

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  6. #5
    Tham gia ngày
    Feb 2009
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    Mặc định

    Nhờ các bạn sửa hộ bài viết này giùm ḿnh với
    Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. Other people think that friends are the most important influence on young adults. In my opinion, friends are the most important influence on young adults.

    Firstly, friends influence our behavior, our mind and our point of view. If we have friends who work hard, we’ll push ourselve work hard too. But if we meet lazy friends, we can become lazy people too. For example, I joined a club 3 years ago. Most of them came from rich familes so that They don’t need to work hard to earn living. When I joined this group, I often spend on my time for leisure activities such as drinking, dancing...But later, I recognized that I had to leave this group if I wanted to become a good person. I joined another group. Most of them were hard worker. Since then, I started to study and work hard as my friends did.

    Secondly, friends are good teachers and good consultant . Young adults can study eperience from their friend. We can get lessons from our friends’ failure. Most of young adults often change their job a lot because they want to find the good job.I have a friend who change his job 5 times. He always dissatified with his job.As a result, until now he is still a normal worker while another friend get high promotion. So, I always consider many factors before changing my job. I don’t want to get the same failure as my friend does.

    Thirdly, friends give us motivation, and they are also our good competitors. When we contact with successful people, we’ll try our best to get success. Most of my friends work for foreign companies. So they always study and read book to improve their knowledge. Last year one of my friend got MBA diploma. I admired him a lot and since then I always try my best to study hard as he does.

    To sum up, friends are the most important influence on young adults. So we must choose friend carefully. If we have good friend, we’ll become good people.
    Sửa lần cuối bởi thuykhanhvi : 05-09-2011 lúc 07:11 AM

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  7. #6
    Tham gia ngày
    Jan 2008
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    125
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    20
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    Mặc định

    Firstly, your essay is way too short

    Secondly, writing an essay is not putting your own personal voice to convince the responders. You MUST instead of doing that, putting in the specific information regarding to the vision of the majority of young adults nowadays. This will make your essay easier to convince the responders and sound professional.

    Thirdly, try to use alternative academic words which carry the same meaning to replace for some of the words that you kept repeating a several times. This also will help you show the examiner that you have a wide range of vocabulary and that you can easily adapt them into different appropriate contexts.

    Hope you find it helpful


  8. Thành viên sau cám ơn williamsngo v́ bài viết hữu ích

    thuykhanhvi (22-09-2011)

  9. #7
    Tham gia ngày
    Feb 2009
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    Mặc định

    To williamsngo.
    Thanks so much for your comment about essay. But i don't understand clearly. Is your comment for my essay or Tuan Kiet's or both of us? Would you like to give me more detail about my essay? Hope to recieve you comment soon. Thanks and best regard.


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