giúp mình sửa bài này với

[thienthanhomenh481]

Topic: In some countries, people , in some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office bulding. do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position.
Every years, there are many people, specially male, start smoke cigarette. The number of people who smoke, increases day after day. Because of its harmful effect, in some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office bulding. I think it’s a good rule. There are 3 reasons, it will help protect healthy of many people, save money, save time and build a clear enviroment in public places.
Health is very important to everyone who is adult, because they have to work for their living, help their families. Smoking in office is harmful not only for their heath but also for other people’s around them. It’s more dangerous if their partner is a pregnant because of it’s bad effect for the child.
This rule also help save time and save money of smokers. They will waste time for smoking instead of doing their work and moreover, smokers will spend a lot of money for buying cigarettes. It’s maybe a chance for smokers to give up smoking.
In addition to the remains of their smoking will be limitted, it will create a fresh air for other people. It’s maybe not fair for smokers but women and children can be protected from certain diseases because of smoking. For this reason we should build some special places for smoker.
This rule is the alert for damaging influence of smoking and each of us is the model for our children in the future. So we should give up smoking as soon as possible.

[kinkit_09]

ko nên đưa vào mục toefl ibt writing, nên dưa vào writing correction hoặc writting for begỉnner thì tốt hơn vì bài sai quá nhiều và toàn là lỗi ngữ pháp cơ bản. và cũng phạm phải những lỗi riêng của toefl nữa.... blah blah...
gluck,
Mạnh.

[thienthanhomenh481]

mình moi học toefl thôi. nên viêt thì chua luyện sai rât nhiêu. nêu co thể ban sua hộ mình voi.. còn nhung lôi riêng của toefl là lôi gì bạn co thể noi ro cho mình đuọc không? chu bạn noi mập mò thê sau cùng mình cung chang tiên bộ đuọc gi.
thank.

[phongwin]

Every years, there are many people, specially male, start smoke cigarette (many people-especially male smoke cigarettes). The number of people who smoke (smoker) increases day after (by) day. Because of its harmful effect, in some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office bulding. I think it’s a good rule. There are 3 reasons, it will help protect healthy of many people, save money, save time and build a clear enviroment in public places. (thui mình viết lại nguyên cái intro luôn cho lẹ)

Each year, the number of people-especially male smoke cigarettes to increase day by day that was harmful effect. In some countries, people are not allowed to smoke in public places and office building. In my opinion, I agree with that statement to following three reasons: protecting healthy of many people, saving money and time, clearing of the environment public places

Health is very important to everyone who is adult,because they have to must work for their livingwork to live and help their families. Smoking in office is harmful not only for their heath but also for other people’s around them. It’s more dangerous if their partner is a pregnant because of it’s its bad effect for the child.

Also This rule also helps save time and save money of smokers (save smoker's money and time). They will waste wasting time for smoking instead of doing their work and moreover, smokers will spend a lot of money for buying cigarettes unless have this rule . It’s maybe a chance for smokers to give up smoking.

In addition to the remains of their smoking will be limitted, it will create a fresh air for other people. It’s maybe not fair for smokers but women and children can be protected from certain diseases because of smoking. For this reason we should build some special places for smoker. (đoạn này có ý gì thế ??? nói cho tui bít rùi tui sửa cho)

This rule is the alert for damaging influence of smoking and each of us is the model for our children in the future. So we should give up smoking as soon as possible.

thêm vài cái transition word và cho hay 1 tí: fisrtly, secondly, in sum, on the other hand....có gì còn thiết sót thì các bạn coi sau góp ý giùm nhá :13_002:

[AkiraHatake]

Câu đầu tiên vẫn mắc lỗi Run on rồi bạn
Every year, there are many people, specially male, starting to smoke cigarette

[Mướp]

mình chưa hiểu lắm về cách sửa câu đầu của phongwin , có thể giải thích thêm được ko

[Mướp]

Topic: In some countries, people , in some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office bulding. do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position.
Every years, there are many people, specially male, start smoke (smoking) cigarette. The number of people who smoke (smoker), increases day after day. Because of its harmful effect, in some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office bulding. I think it’s (it is , đừng bao giờ viết tắt trong bài viết nha bạn) a good rule. There are 3 reasons, it will help protect healthy of many people, save money, save time and build a clear (better) enviroment in public places.
Health is very important to everyone who is adult, because they have to work for their livin (living-fees) , help their families. Smoking in office is harmful not only for their(smoker's) heath but also for other people’s around them (non smoker). It’s more dangerous if their partner is a pregnant because of(hoặc dùng because of thì ko được dùng it's , cái này chắc bạn ko để ý type lộn thôi) it’s bad effect for the child.
This rule also help save time and save the money of smokers (bạn có thể dùng: help s.o to do s.t thì mẫu câu này đọc lên có lẽ sẽ hay hơn). They will waste time for smoking instead of doing their work and moreover, smokers will spend a lot of money for buying cigarettes. It’s maybe a chance for smokers to give up smoking. (câu này chắc hẳn người chấm sẽ ko hài lòng lắm đâu vì nó ko ăn khớp nghĩa với câu trước nó , vả lại còn sai ngữ pháp)
In addition to the remains of their smoking will be limitted, it will create a fresh air for other people. It’s maybe not fair for smokers but women and children can be protected from certain diseases because (caused )of smoking. For this reason we should build some special places for smoker.
This rule is the alert for damaging influence of smoking and each of us is the model for our children in the future. So we should give up smoking as soon as possible.

Theo mình , bài của bạn tổ chức như vậy khá hợp lý và ổn về cách cấu trúc , nhưng nếu bạn thêm một số từ nối hoặc một số trạng từ hợp lý mỗi câu thì bài sẽ hay hơn , và cần thêm những ý dẫn chứng thống minh và thú vị hơn chứ ko chỉ nêu ra vấn đề, cẩn thận lỗi ngữ pháp , và nên chú ý các dùng từ hợp lý hơn... có nhiều chỗ mình chưa hiểu lắm về ý của bạn , nhưng có lẽ đó là ý kiến riêng nên không dám bình phẩm , mình cũng mới làm đề này cách đây hơn 1 tháng.Anyway thì vẫn thanks for sharing. :32_002::32_002::32_002::32_002::32_002::32_002:

[hokcoten]

mình chưa hiểu lắm về cách sửa câu đầu của phongwin , có thể giải thích thêm được ko


Câu đầu tiên vẫn mắc lỗi Run on rồi bạn
Every year, there are many people, specially male, starting to smoke cigarette

câu này là: there are many people, specially male, who start to smoke.

mệnh đề quan hệ rút gọn thôi mà ^^

[tò_te_tí]

"start smoking" chứ bạn ơi,

[tò_te_tí]

Câu đầu tiên vẫn mắc lỗi Run on rồi bạn
Every year, there are many people, specially male, starting to smoke cigarette
Người ta dùng "start smoking" là đúng mà ban. Nếu bạn muốn dùng "starting to smoke" thì phải viết đầy đủ là "Every year, there are many people, specially male, who are starting to smoke cigarette"mà như vậy mình cũng thấy hơi hiếm hi hị

[tò_te_tí]

Câu đầu tiên vẫn mắc lỗi Run on rồi bạn
Every year, there are many people, specially male, starting to smoke cigarette
Người ta dùng "start smoking" là đúng rùi bạn ơi, câu của bạn chỉ đúng khi bạn nói đầy đủ như sau: "There are many people, specially male, who are (is) starting to smoke cigarette". Đây là sự kết hợp giữa Present Continous vàcấu trúc "start to do ST". Nhưng trong câu này phần đầu có "Every year" thì bạn nên để ở thì Present Simple và dùng cấu trúc "start doing ST"

[quytran195]

There are 3 reasons, it will help protect healthy of many people
minh thay co 2 loi nho la ,help va protect thi deu la 2 verb ma 2 verbs thi ko the dung canh ben nhau duoc ,ban co the noi "it will help us to protect "minh nghi thi dung họn
.healthy ban dung o day la adjective ma o day ban dang can la noun nen phai sua lai chua la heạlth
nhung minh nghi la nen nhu vay thi hay hon "i think it is a good rule for three reasons protecting our health, saving money, and reproducing healthy environment .

[quytran195]

There are 3 reasons, it will help protect healthy of many people, save money, save time and build a clear (better) enviroment in public places.

minh thay o day ban mac 2 loi nho la
1. help and protect la 2 verb ko the dung canh nhau duoc.ban co the noi "help us to protect "
2.healthy la mot adjective ban dang can mot noun nen phai viet la health
theo minh thi ban nen viet vay ne:"i think it is a good solution for three major reasons : protecting our health, saving money from buying cigarrets, and recreating a healthy working environment."
Ah may minh ko co vn t